For those of you who currently or have ever had a job, you know that the people you work with become your friends, your enemies, your lovers, the reason you drink every night, your life. At least that’s how my job is. My job consumes me. I allow most aspects of my life that liberty, but this single facet in particular has changed me more dramatically than the others. I concede this blog, this one small part of my academic career to be influenced by my job, but only because I wish it so. Because I know that I can fill this blank space with more irony, more humor, and more drama than with any other topic that I considered. So welcome. Welcome to a running tally of the reasons you should NEVER dip your pen in the company ink.