Untangling

Perhaps I am becoming weak. I know something is wrong.

Once I knew who I loved. Once I fell in love…with God…with life…with people…

Am I changing? I can feel the darkness tugging at my thoughts.

There’s a tiara in the middle of the road. Sort of sparkling. Glowing. It is the smile I used to adorn myself with. Cars and pedestrians have been smashing the crown into the ground. The jewels are few. The metals becoming fake. 

Sometimes I wonder where I am.

I get distracted easily by this world and its glittering green lies. A rotten egg vapor begins to strangle my mind. I do not know if I am breathing at all. I am shrinking when I should be growing. I am fading when I should be bursting with color.

The envelope sits on the counter. Addressed to no particular person. But it is jotted with worries and doubts, lined paper that is crumpled. The receiver used to be in bold font. I sent my fears to Him. But I’m afraid that I’m forgetting the address. 

I feel like I’m slipping. Last year, I was obsessed with seeking God. Last year my heart was beating. Now it is a quiet lull. The heart monitor reads ‘lame’ and ‘depressing.’

How have reached this silly point? How have I allowed myself to decay into carelessness? Why do I cry? Why do I not realize the purpose of this curious life?

The pen sits on the counter. Dust. Sometimes it will start to write. Sometimes it will mark things in the big, black book with gold lettering on the cover. But these days, the pen has given up. 

I need to recharge. I need to see again. I need to fix my mind on the truth. If I keep approaching those thoughts, the truths of Christ’s love, I will be brought back to Him.

“Come near to God and He will come near to you.”

“Fix your eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen….”

The life I see is not the life I really know.

Pursue the presence of God, dear friend, and you will find joy again.