Untangling

Once upon a time, I was a timid, shaky girl. High School. Nerd galore. Long, poofy hair. Glasses. Clarinet. My mom used to call me “Frump girl.” I never smiled. My friends at school would try to guess my emotions. They could not tell if I was happy or sad or angry. Simply, always, depressed-faced girl. Monotone and lowly…
No boys ever really paid attention to me. I was destined to start up my own protestant nun sect. I had good grades. But that was all really.

At church, I felt like a fake. Everyone seemed to know the Bible well. Everyone seemed so excited and spiritual, useful. My theologian peers made me feel like I was not worthy enough to be called a Christian. They would smile and cry and raise hands during worship. They would talk of their love of spending time with Jesus. I did not fit in. Too shy to stand out. Too awkward to make a lot of friends. I felt fake…
I think I always had. Ever since I was little, I felt as though my claim to be a Christian was backed by nothing but pride and weakness and parental guidance. My parents were strong believers, but I grew up in Seattle, surrounded by Atheists. I liked being a Christian so that I could be different. But my walk with Jesus was alway filled with doubt.

I moved to Texas in High School. Pale and pathetic. Got friends in band. Not satisfied with being a meager Christian. And to top it off, I was disallusioned by the supposed Bible belt. I thought things would be different here. But I found out that Christianity was a cultural thing, and for many, it was not a relationship/real thing.

I was lost, looking in the clouds for answers.

Bad self-image, painfully shy, a little chunky, weak faith…Senior year was coming to an end. I had to decide about college…I did not think God had a plan for my life. I never got into the touchy, ‘feely’ Christianity. I always was bland…not good enough…

I chose to go to Texas A&M, nervous about going to Impact, a freshman summer camp for Aggies.

And sure enough at Impact, I felt pathetic, different. Who was I to join in on this spiritually high, fierce Christian environment? I was nothing there. Too shy…Too weak in my relationship with Jesus. I was tired of feeling guilty, non-Christian.

And then stuff started happening…

I felt sick at Impact, ’stomachy’ sick. I could not concentrate on stuff other than my feeling nauseated. When we were having worship time, I prayed really hard, really forcefully, sincerely. “Please, God…I feel like dying, remove this pain so that I can worship you, can really worship you…”

And I felt better. I was joyous, feeling like God heard me…

I confessed sins to my leader, learned about writing down bible verses…fighting negative thoughts

At Impact, I felt like I did not belong. It was sadness enough that boosted me into wanting to change. On my drive home from Impact, I listened to Christian music, I talked to my Mom on the phone. I decided….decided to make changes…

I was not going to put up with being a fake, depressed Christian anymore.

And so I started reading…Matthew, Mark, Luke…

I started my Freshman year of college determined, determined to change the way I had been living.

I was not going to put up with feeling bad, feeling fake.

So, I went to Upstream, a freshman bible study that my Impact leader suggested. And the people in the group, the Thursday night studies and trips to the coffee shop until 2 am. The friends I made. I started being built up in my faith, getting obsessed with Jesus and God. I read and felt encouraged, not so blind.

Words, the words of God spoke to me and I started understanding the Love of God.

God was becoming real.

The girls and guys in my group…they believed in God, they were seeking God just like me. They wanted to grow.

Throughout my Freshman year, I experienced great changes in my view on life and God.

I wanted Him, surrounded myself with His unfading words. Prayed and wrote and got excited about the possibilities. I wanted security. I wanted to know for sure.

I grew so much my Freshman year. I prayed not to be shy, not to be so timid. And before I knew it, I started to get crazy and to smile more. I had people that cared about me and encouraged me to get out of my sad state of timidity.

Jesus was on my side. God started removing my fears of never being myself. He was starting to remove the hindrances .

I gained great girl friends that year, friends that are now going to be my roommates this next year.

God showed me His love and continues to do so till this day.

He rescued me from shyness, put His power in me. I got baptized that summer. I made a promise to God that I would not get a boyfriend until I got baptized. The guy I liked called me on the phone about 20 minutes before I was about to get baptized. I saw it as one of God’s little messages.

That same boy asked me to be his girlfriend the same night my brother proposed to his girlfriend.

God had everything planned out.

He knows how everything will turn out and sincerely loves us.

I fell in love my Freshman year. With God.

He constantly rescues me. And loves each and every one of us.